rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
