Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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