I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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