his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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