i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
