WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
