wat bout pragnant strippers??
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
