I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
