Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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