Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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