My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
