im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You dont lie about slip and slides
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
