God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I'm going to jail i love you
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
