Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
