I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Terrible idea I love it
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
