Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
