Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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