A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
