she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
