...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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