were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
