i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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