who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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