I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
