Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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