and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
