After last night, I could never be a politician.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
