So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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