I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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