The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize