this beer tastes like vomit already
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
