She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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