my mouth tastes like poor choices
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
