I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
