Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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