Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i will never coherently bang her
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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