peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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