I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize
