Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
