So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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