Non-Jews are for practice
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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