So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
