Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
A+ Viking dick
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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