SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
