I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
