He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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