I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Randomize