I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
