I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
