it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Still dying that you shit outside
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
