Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
We have so much sex to catch up on
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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