nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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