I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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