We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
