Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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