So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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