Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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