He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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