I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Randomize
