Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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