There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
