I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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