I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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