That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Randomize
